Saima’s incuriosity in the regular ‘boy tattle’ had already irked her friends. They would keep questioning her disinterest every so often but she would manage to dodge the conversation every single time. Nevertheless, a sense of hesitation would still come out making her insecure and anxious. As soon as Saima turned 14, her mother would constantly doubt her having male interactions and would keep cautioning her about the same. For Saima, all this stood redundant and something she never related to. As Saima recalls, “I was trying to withstand a confounding battle going on within me. I was questing for answers and trying to seek acceptance from my own self.” 

Back in 10th standard, Saima had distantly seen Aliya for the first time at her tuition classes. It was also the first time she accurately observed a feeling of liking towards someone. She wanted to talk about it until the slight idea of repercussions haunted her inside out. “I felt like I had discerned enough for myself but it scared me at the same time. It was a perplexing situation”, she said. The mid-term exams had just ended and Saima was invited to a get-together by her friends. While she accepted the invitation cheerily, she never anticipated Aliya to be an invitee as well. “I had chills down my spine on seeing her. I felt unprepared and didn’t know how I would react around her”, she said. Meanwhile, Saima was having a tough time, her friends could sense an edginess erupting in her behavior. “ I decided to tell them everything. I couldn’t keep it inside anymore”, she said. However, the decision of coming out to her friends did not prove very approval for Saima. “We don’t feel comfortable around you any longer”, said one of Saima’s friends. 

Saima had always been a competent student and would maintain regularity with classes. This was the first time she was skipping school recklessly. “I am unwell”, she told her mother, slamming the door behind her. While Saima was still coming to accept what had happened with her friends, she could envision the conundrums flaring up in case her sexuality was unraveled to everyone else. “I felt desolated and out of help”, recalled Saima. While Saima went on pushing herself to the four walls, it wasn’t very late that Saima’s mother was called from school. To Saima’s surprise, her ‘friends’ had divulged everything to the principal. “ I felt utterly deceived”, said Saima. On the other hand, Saima’s mother was getting to know about the conceptualization of homosexual women for the very first time and, the fact that it was about her daughter made her even more staggered. “She slapped me thrice and pushed me into the room beating me further”, recalled Saima with her hands shaking. While the principal had advised Saima’s mother to consult a psychiatrist, her mother believed that a grating punishment would be enough to alter Saima’s behavior. Consequently, Saima was locked up in a room, followed by ruthless episodes of reprimanding and beating her. “They’d enter the room every day to hit me. Sometimes with a stick and sometimes with a belt. The disfigurement on my body had started to appear prominently. I felt dazed”, said Saima recounting the horror from her parents. 

While Srinagar city was already under a lockdown and all schools were shut, Saima had spent three weeks under the cage so far. “ I would sleep for hours and would absolutely despise waking up”, said Saima. “I would sweat in my sleep and would start howling inconsolably on waking up”, she added. Saima’s Laptop and novels had been confiscated by her parents as they thought access to technology and ‘dense romantic novels’ had an influence on her. Saima’s mother would either come to the room to give her food or to hit her. In fact, sometimes her father would accompany her to thrash her as well. This virulent routine persisted for more than three months until Saima started ailing poorly. “I had gone soundless. I would stick to my stomach and would lose consciousness out of the blue”, she recalled. This was the time when Saima’s parents decided to ease the restrictions on her as they thought she had learned her lesson. They started calling Saima for the meals. “Whatever we did was for your good”, her parents would keep telling her at the dining table. However, Saima’s trauma was much more cavernous than anyone would have imagined. The scars on her body and the agony in her eyes demonstrated the searing damage she underwent. It was the same year Saima was supposed to sit in her board exams which she could not pull through. “I had forgotten how to concentrate. I would stay lost in thoughts, followed by severe episodes of anxiety”, she recalled. Once a school topper, Saima had now lost all academic inclinations. This incident had obliterated all her proficiencies and she could feel a sense of deprivation acutely. 

It’s been more than two years since Saima has been seeking psychiatric treatment to recover from the trauma with the help of her aunt, who helped her rescue. Even though her parents have still not accepted her, Saima mostly stays with her aunt, a high school teacher by profession. “She is still recuperating. I cannot visualize the cruelty that was thrust upon her. This is a bloodthirsty society”, said  Saima’s aunt. The dearth of awareness and acceptance for the LGBTQ community perpetually exists in the Kashmir valley, with very less initiatives implemented for their protection and advancement, giving rise to extreme instances of violence and harassment. 

“There are many more Saimas’ who need a voice. I tried to muster up the courage to articulate myself but my voice was quelled. The marks of oppression have been engraved on my body with no fault of mine. However, I’m hopeful that things will change. I have a mission now”.

The names of the individuals in the story have been withheld out of concern for safety.

Written by: Aiman Aijaz.

About the Author

A pass out Sociology student from University Of Delhi. Inclined towards pursuing gender studies, she wishes to bring out camouflaged stories of violence from her homeland.